Friday, November 9, 2012

Creep

I am not perfect, nor do I profess to have never given my parents any problems in my youth. In fact, I went out of my way, like most kids to master my sneaking skills. I waited until they fell asleep before I'd tiptoe into the living room and stretch the super long phone cord ever so gently along the baseboard of the walls. Then, I placed it into the crease of my bedroom door, where I'd slide the cord underneath, and commence to talking, or rather whispering. Sometimes it would be a boy, but at that age, most often it was my best friend. We would just chit chat while watching the Home Shopping Network and fantasizing about what we'd like to order. Oddly, we did that a lot.

As I got older, 9 times out of 10, it was, most assuredly, a boy I was sneaking and speaking with on the phone. The late night calls naturally progressed to secret meetings in the park, to after school outings, to full out playing hooky together. I know.  I know. I keep my eyes and ears open.  The luxury is having an alarm system and indicators on every door, so if any one of those doors opens...momma knows!  

I wish I had a picture to give you a visual of the layout of the place where I grew up, because you might find it extremely hard to believe the shenanigans I pulled. We basically lived in a condo style apartment, so the living spaces weren't grandiose. We had a living room dining room combination, a small kitchen, and a hallway that held one bathroom, a "laundry room" and two bedrooms. Somehow, I managed to sneak out of my parents' house while they slept. I rarely went someplace, but rather opted to sit out front kissing my boyfriend. OK, there WASSS this one incident, in which I won't delve too much, where my best friend Sabs and I snuck out and came back so late that we actually passed my dad in a car when he was leaving home and on his way to work! That was the closest call...ever! Nevertheless, we crept back into the house, climbed the 14 steps in the entrance of our condo, slid down the hall and past my parents'ADJACENT bedroom, into mine. 

So one night, after a nice dinner out with my girls, we were driving down some unknown street. Though born and raised in DC, my navigation skills in the city perplexes and annoys everyone, so sorry I can't remember the name, ok?! Sabs is driving, I'm riding shotgun and Jam is in the back. I peep someone on the left hand side coming out of a window, that's only a few feet from the ground. 




I screamed, "Look at that girl. She's sneaking out of the house!" My girls whoop it up laughing and Jam says, "Turn around, go back. GO BACK!" Sabs makes the world's slowest and most cautious u-turn and we pray that she's still in the DC metropolitan area, LOL. She was! We turn right on her street and pull up beside her just as she's putting on the pink hoodie she was holding in her hand, mid-jump. I rolled my window down and the exchange went something like this:

Me - Are you over 18?
Her - (looking flustered) No.
Me - (neck rolling and lips pouted) Um, hm. We saw you sneaking out of your parents' house and we're gonna tell 'em.
Her - (looking flustered still and softly mumbling) OK, go ahead.

In the background, like out of a movie, was a random older lady, probably in her 70's, holding a brown paper grocery bag, and looking on. The little truant was standing at the driver door of an SUV, which we later surmised that she was about to steal! As we're pulling off, it appears as though the senior is saying something to her, so I start yelling, "That's right. Tell her momma. Get your behind in that house, ain't nuttin out here in these streets for you girl!" LOL, was quite the scene. Of course, we don't know what happened, but I'd like to think that she'll think lonnnng and hard again, before she rolls out in the middle of the damn night, to go God knows where, with God knows whom. 

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Womb Hole

Just a few moments ago, I let myself feel, without judgment.  I let it go and smiled so deeply.  I don't even think its intensity manifested into an actual, physical smile.  It was buried within my soul.

My children are 17 and almost 14 years old.  Every year, at least once, I get these little "kicks" in my stomach.  If you've ever been pregnant, then only you can really REALLY relate, because nothing feels like a baby's kick...but a baby's kick.  They're rarely painful.  They're the sweetest surprises and reminders.

Tonight, I felt a "kick."  Normally, I dismiss it like it's not what I think, or rather what feel it is, but I couldn't this time.  It just didn't seem fair or authentic.  I always hide - run away from it.  This time, I wouldn't.  These moments are so rare and special to me.  I'm going to partially credit my early age hysterectomy to this treasure.  Whatever it may be, I love it so much and I can't wait for the next one. I can hardly wait for the next one.

This time, tonight, I exhaled during and after the kicks and let my wandering hand be.  It waywardly circled my tummy.  My eyes closed.  I let them stay that way, until it felt natural to open.  My tummy felt warm.  My hands, there are two of them now, stroked my semi-flat belly. And for those few precious minutes, memory lane was all mine.  The only passengers were me and my baby. The times I sang and read and cried and laughed and listened and prayed and wished and hoped to my baby in my belly came back to me.  They're alive.  Resurrected. Hallelujah. Amen.      

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Call Kaiser

Last night, I popped over to my best friend's house, where our other bestie was, as well. Most of their kids were there.  Missing was my youngest nephew, who's 3.  Not sure where  he was though. Curious as I'm typing. Anyway, as kids do, they were butting into adult conversations.  The sending of the kids upstairs ensued.  If only it were that simple.

They left.  Seconds later, Ladybug, the elder of the cousins, was "crying," because her "leg was hurting."  No need to explain the quotations.  She's 8. I'll say that.  Annnnd, with THAT said you should already know the crying surely exceeded the supposed injury.  Her mom, eyes rolling, head shaking, snail's pace moving, went to her rescue. She was around the corner for a few minutes and the crying, still persistent, wasn't sufficiently subsiding. Shit was actually getting *louder.  I popped up, slightly entertained.  Rounding the corner and entering the foyer, I see my niece damn near stretched out across the floor and my bestie kneeling down "consoling her."

I asked Ladybug if she was okay and if she thought we needed to call Kaiser. Honayyyy, when I tell you she straightened up, she straightened the fuck up!!!!  Her beautiful bright eyes couldn't have **shone more.  She shook her head "no."  I left the room and guess what.  Her crying revved.  Having way more experience in parenting (because I got knocked up in college) and being increasingly entertained, I came back in the room, but not empty handed.  Ohhhhh no.  I'm a jokester - always have been.  Always will be.  I had their cordless, house phone in hand in plain sight.  Here's how that convo went:

Me:  Should we call Kaiser?

Ladybug:  (frightened) No, mommy.  No, aunt Tiffanie.  We don't need to call Kaiser.

Me:  Are you sure?  You look like you're in a lot of pain, Sweetie.  I'm calling.  (the neon color of the phone pad light up)

Ladybug:  NO! NO! I'm okay.  We don't need to call Kaiser!!!!!!!

Me:  Hmmmm, I'm calling.

My bestie:  Aunt Tiffanie, I don't think we need to call.  She said she's okay.

Ladybug: I don't need Kaiser, Aunt Tiffanie.

Me:  You're sure?!  I'm calling.  (faint beeps of the cordless and I fake call)

Ladybug:  I'm better!  I'm better!

I slowly walked away and back into the room where our other bestie was ON THE FLOOR DYING LAUGHING.  She was like "You ain't right.  You AIN'T right."

Shoot, in my opinion.  I was justified and pretty sure that Ladybug would think twice about faking an illness or injury...at least with me in sight.

            





*more annoying
**after visiting this page, I decided on "shone."

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Estas Cosas


These things I hate:
treadmills
dimes
dry kisses
feet
one-pieces
posers
pills
headaches
hoopties
meanies
vomiting
water
cancer
poop
noisy bangles
boys with big booties
"Lawd Mama Done Burnt Up The Chicken" stage plays
waiting
vacuuming


These things I love:
wind from wagging tails
cheap wine
being thin
muscadine grapes
laughing
dancing
whistling
wet kisses
Scrabble
The Catcher In The Rye
grammar
apologies
What's Happening
pink
popping tags
going green
fake nails
karaoke
Don Cheadle
clothes from the 70's
Weird Science
bangles
butterflies
high heels
long torsos
snapping my fingers in a circle 3 times
"babies"
UMCP

Friday, July 27, 2012

Flip It

You have your closet freaks, your secret snackers, your bump poppers, and your nose pickers.  I'm in a different league.  I don't think my fetish is kinky, but rather crazy.  I have this thing and I've been doing it for a long time now and I'm not going to stop.  It involves a stall and a seat - nothing fancy needed, just a bathroom and toilet seat.

For years, and I really don't know how many, I go to the bathroom and have a field day.  While everyone else is pretty much all about business, whether it's #1 or #2 or completing a Words With Friends game, they are on a mission.  As am I.  My mission involves making my visit as comfortable as possible. My intentions are never to stay in there for the long haul.  No.  Because this only takes place in a bathroom, other than mine.  I approach it just as anyone else. I may or may not lace the seat, before plopping down.  The difference is, once I'm on the seat, I immediately go for the tissue.  If it looks like this

it will inevitably look like this.

I don't care who it is or where I am.  I'm going to make your undie an overy.